In the world we living in people who show self confidence will always look stronger, or thought of as being stronger. While people with low self confidence would be considered weak. Unfortunately, wherever you look you see people suffering from low self confidence and insecurity.
Not too long ago I saw two interviews of two famous people who have reached the top, with achievements you can only dream of. Those celebrities have been admired and their careers are followed by many people world wide. Consequently what surprised me in their interviews was when they mentioned that they have been suffering from low self confidence and feelings of insecurity throughout their careers.
They said that they are anxious every time they are on stage or performing in front of an audience. They are afraid the words won’t come out of their mouths or that people would think they are not good enough. After watching those interviews I was wondering how it could be that a person who has come so far professionally claims he has no confidence and is insecure?! How did they manage to hide it for so many years and always look calm and confident? It just proves that you can not tell what’s going on beneath the surface with anyone!
Anyway, the truth is that I don’t want to write about famous people. This was not my intention at all. What I really wanted to point out is that this is a wide spread problem. Therefore, I decided to do some reading about this important topic.
The reason for low self confidence obviously differs from person to person. I recently read several articles written by experts and most of them said that some of the contributing factors are childhood experiences, cultural background, and genetics. In addition, all of them said we can change this phenomenon, which is great.
Anyway, one of the signs of a lack of confidence or insecurity is when you are preoccupied with what others are thinking or saying about you. It leads to non-realization of one’s full potential. It makes it harder to fully develop your skills and abilities as you are thinking about what others say and not what is best for you. Another sign is when you fail at something, you think you are a loser, however when you succeed you don’t give yourself the credit you deserve.
There is not one person who has not failed in his life at least a couple of times, and the road to success is paved with failures. Maybe that is a cliche, but it is the truth. A person with low self confidence is afraid of failure and challenging situations. For example, looking for a job or asking for a raise as the person assumes he would be turned down, therefore they don’t even try.
Fear and lack of motivation stemming from lack of confidence in our abilities becomes a pattern of behavior over time. You can feel trapped like you are running on a treadmill without a way to get off. Nevertheless, a person with a healthy self confidence believes in his abilities even if he is not perfect. He knows he is worthy of receiving the love and respect of others.
It is very important to mention that any person that respects themselves would be respected by others and you don’t have to be an expert to know that. Literally, what you show is what you get. Regardless it is a long process to build up your self confidence and to feel more secure. And in case you decide to go for it, you must change your attitude first. It is not going to be a walk in the park, but with a few small steps you can achieve big results.
Let’s start with respecting yourself, with kindness and understanding. What I mean is don’t be too hard on yourself, and remember nobody’s perfect. Here are some suggestions psychologists and life coaches have made. 1. Make a list of your advantages. For example, you have strong writing ability, creativity, interpersonal skills, are an excellent cook, etc. 2. Make a list of what you want to achieve in your life. 3. Stop comparing yourself to others as there are always people who are more successful, better looking, and wealthier than you.
On the other hand, there are always people who are less successful, not as pretty….and have less money than you. Remember everyone is running their own race and life is not a competition. (And in my opinion, diversity is the beauty within humanity.) 4. Stop judging yourself harshly and try not to blame yourself for things that are not your fault, just let it go.
5. Seek positive support, surround yourself with people who really care about you (this specific suggestion is something everyone should make use of), and keep negative people as far away from you as possible. 6. Maintain your optimism as God is in the little details. And sometimes failure is just an opportunity to start over in a wiser way.
A final thought, a quote from the writer, activist and more, Helen Keller: “A bend in the road is not the end of the road………… unless you fail to make the turn……….”
Were people happier in the past? I wonder! Anyway, I don’t know why seniors have a tendency to romanticize the past and typically remember only the happy times, but not the difficult times. If I had to guess I would say that the brain is most likely built that way to help us survive and keep going.
Unfortunately, there are more unhappy people than happy people, despite all the progress we have made as human beings. However, I don’t believe there is one formula for happiness. Yet, I do believe that by practising mindfulness therapy, which is maintaining a moment by moment awareness over our thoughts, feelings and environment, etc, we can be much happier. Mind you, it has to become part of your daily routine and this is not so easy.
Nevertheless, I read a very interesting article from the journal Science about research done by two psychologists from Harvard university about our happiness. Apparently, we spend almost 50% of our time daydreaming and not focusing on what we are doing at the time. They call it a wandering mind and concluded that a wandering mind is an unhappy mind.
Basically, it doesn’t matter what activities we are involved in, half of our time we are daydreaming (which I think is the same as mind wandering) as opposed to being focused on the present. The psychologists found that people were happiest when making love, exercising, or engaging in conversation. (This makes sense to me as they require concentration)
However, people were least happy when resting, working, or using a home computer. The researchers mentioned in the article that mind wandering was mainly the cause and not the consequence of people being unhappy. In addition they stated that many philosophical and religious traditions teach that happiness is to be found by living in the moment. The practitioners are trained to resist mind wandering and to be here and now.
We live in an age where there are so many distractions, and a significant portion of them stem from social media. And sadly, if you are not on social media it is as though you don’t exist and aren’t relevant. Trying to be relevant is like an endless competition and is a mug’s game. When you overwhelm yourself with trivial matters, your ability to concentrate on the here and now will be hindered.
in today’s fast paced world, it seems like we forget to enjoy the simple things in life which make us happy. For example, meeting a friend for coffee, reading a good book, being with your loved one, doing something good for somebody, enjoying a good meal, and so on. I think that It doesn’t matter what stage of life you are in, it is always good to remember the simple things in life. Here is a good example. Like everybody else over the course of this year, I experienced difficulties due to social distancing and lock downs that have been imposed on us. I feel as though I am in prison….. mind you it is an open prison but still I can’t socialize with anyone.
I recently had a dentist appointment after not seeing my dentist for more than a year. (I put it off for months as I was afraid it wasn’t safe). Although the treatment was painful, I was very happy to finally see familiar faces and everyone in the dental office was happy to see me. It’s funny to say this, but it was like socializing with old friends. And this is what I meant by appreciating the little things in life, which in other times I would not pay attention to at all.
Sometimes you see people who lost the most precious person in their lives, or have a severe disability, or suffer from poverty and are still happy against all odds. On the other hand, there are people who have almost everything you can ask for but are still miserable and cannot enjoy life. And that is beyond my comprehension.
If you ask people in their opinion who is a happy person, they would probably say someone who is financially successful, respected, well liked by others, and more. Sill, I am not sure it’s a guarantee of happiness. But I am quite sure that many people aspire to it.
Anyway, some psychologists said that thinking positively gives you the tools to deal with all kinds of situations in life. As well, people recognize a positive attitude and are attracted to it. People will want to be around you and that creates opportunities for relationships, love, friendships and most importantly, for happiness.
Likewise, happiness leads to increased productivity. When a person is productive, he feels a greater sense of satisfaction, and a satisfied person is a happy person. In addition, they said that happy people have a higher pain tolerance, a stronger immune system plus a better chance for a longer and healthier life. What else could you ask for…….
As I delved into the subject I realized it isn’t so easy to cover this topic. Even if I wrote 20 posts about happiness I could not properly summarize the material that is available to read on the subject. Therefore, I just touched on a few key points that I thought were very interesting……….
Having strangers as roommates is challenging, but having friends or relatives as roommates can be even more complicated. Lori is a friend of mine who lived overseas for a few years. When she returned home she looked for an apartment for a long time. At the same time, a good friend of hers Julia just broke up with her boyfriend and was looking for a roommate.
As they knew each other since they were kids, Julia suggested that Lori move in with her. Julia had a beautiful apartment in a great location not far from the beach. Although Lori loved Julia’s apartment, she wasn’t enthusiastic about moving in with one of her best friends. She was afraid that their relationship would suffer if they lived together, so she declined her friend’s offer.
But as time passed by, Lori couldn’t find an apartment she liked. And Julia couldn’t find a roommate she felt comfortable with. Therefore, she suggested that Lori temporarily move in with her until she found an apartment she liked. Julia desperately needed someone to share the expenses with. While Lori, who lived at her parent’s house, desperately needed a place of her own.
Lori decided to accept Julia’s offer and moved in with her. At the beginning, it was like a honeymoon. Lori and Julia would hang out together and Julia introduced Lori to her friends. Lori fell in love with the apartment and with her new lifestyle. Thus, she decided to postpone her search for an apartment of her own. Julia and Lori were both single at the time and did almost everything together.
A few months later, Lori started dating Dean and shortly after that Lori met Frank. Dean used to spend a lot of time in the girls’ apartment. Basically, he was the third unofficial tenant without sharing the expenses. On the other hand, Frank would spend two or three nights at Lori’s. As much as Lori liked Dean, she thought he should not be at their apartment so often.
When Lori gently asked Julia if her boyfriend moved in with her, she said no and laughed…..She said that he has his own apartment which he shared with his brother. Yet he liked their apartment more as it was cleaner and the location was excellent. Lori did not like Julia’s answer but decided to swallow the frog.
The close friendship between Lori and Julia stopped overnight the minute Julia met Dean. Julia was the type of person who you never saw or heard from when she was in a relationship. Anyway, if it wasn’t enough that Dean was a regular guest at the apartment, he had his friends and family come over as well.
However, Julia had a young sister Janice who was travelling in South America. Lori knew Janice since she was a child and she hadn’t seen her for a long time. One day when she came home from work, she saw a young lady sitting in the living room by herself, and next to her was some luggage. At first, Lori did not recognize her, but after a few seconds she realized it was Janice. Lori was happy to see her and she gave her a hug.
Apparently, Janice was travelling with her boyfriend who she lived with (at his expense), as she wasn’t working at the time. And a few days before they returned home, the lovebirds had a big argument. So Janice went directly from the airport to her sister’s place. When Julia came home later on she told Lori that Janice would stay with them for a while. Julia added that her sister’s boyfriend was adorable, and she was sure the couple would return to each other’s arms in no time. But it didn’t work out that way.
In the meantime, Janice stayed on the couch. Her belongings were all over the living room and you couldn’t have anybody over for a visit. In addition, Janice acted as though the apartment belonged to her, and used to stick her nose into everything. Her boyfriend would come to visit her most of the time at night and then they would have arguments.
Janice would sometimes run to hide in Lori’s room after fighting with “Mr. Adorable” because she was afraid he would beat her. She would wake Lori up who was sound asleep in the middle of the night and start to cry. The day after, Janice would act like nothing happened. She would cook lunch for “Mr. Adorable” and deliver it to him at work.
Lori couldn’t believe her eyes. She asked Janice for God’s sake why she doesn’t get rid of him. And why was she involved with a violent person. Janice would say he loves her very much, and that he gets jealous sometimes……She added that it’s not a big deal….. The stupid woman even thought he was cute when he jealous….. 😦
At some point, Lori was sick and tired of people coming and going from her apartment as they pleased. She couldn’t tolerate the fact that these people were taking advantage of her and decided to leave. When Lori mentioned it to Julia, she didn’t like it. Julia said if she wanted to leave, she should pay her two months rent in addition to the month she already prepaid when she moved in with her. Lori was furious with her and couldn’t believe how greedy she was. Suddenly she saw Julia’s true colors.
Lori left the room before it got ugly. She went to her room and started packing. Julia came after her and said she would sue her if she left without paying the additional two months. Lori reminded her that Janice was living with them for a couple of months already, without paying a penny. She suggested that Julia collect rent from her sister or from Dean who became a permanent tenant shortly after she moved in with her.
As hard as Lori tried not to make the situation worse, she couldn’t prevent it from happening. Lori couldn’t move in with her boyfriend, as he had a roommate, so she moved in with her parents. Although Julia didn’t sue her as she threatened, Lori never spoke with her again, even though she tried to contact her several times……
Linda’s roommates were constantly changing. Every time she had a new roommate she would ask me to write a letter of agreement between them. And I couldn’t refuse to do it. As I said, Linda lived not too far from where I lived. While my apartment was on a quiet street, her apartment was on a main street.
Linda lived in an old apartment on the fourth floor and with no elevator. Yet friends liked to socialize on her balcony as you could see the whole city from there, and it was a beautiful sight especially at night. Another reason for them to visit her so often was because she liked to cook and they liked to eat. However, in addition to being loud and aggressive, Linda used to throw garbage off her balcony. Some examples are empty bottles or scraps of food.
I was shocked by her behavior when I saw that. I’m not talking about the fact that it was disgusting and barbaric but also very dangerous. Her apartment was located on a very crowded street and was as busy as a highway. Can you imagine what would happen if one of the bottles she would throw off her balcony would hit one of the cars that were traveling at high speed…….Anyway, I was very angry with her behavior and gave her a piece of my mind. But old habits die hard, so I stopped visiting her.
Meanwhile, my roommate (Linda’s cousin) did not keep his promise not to invade my privacy. He would come to my room to take his clothes or anything else whenever he wanted. He would knock on my door late at night, very often after I already went to sleep. But what bothered me the most was when he tried to make a move on me. He wasn’t aggressive or anything like that, but he stroked my hair, which startled me and caught me off guard.
When he understood I was not interested in him it hurt his ego. Suddenly he changed his attitude and wasn’t polite as before. He acted like a juvenile. Nevertheless, shortly after that I just left the apartment and moved in with a friend until I found another apartment. I have to mention that he kept the apartment clean as we agreed and the housework was divided equally.
Finding a suitable cheap apartment in an area of high demand is mission impossible. Likewise, the economic reality for students or young people who have just left their parent’s home seeking work in the big cities forces them to live with roommates. Most people have lived with a roommate at least once in their lives. And I have a feeling that if you take a survey among those people, they would tell you they’d rather live on their own if they could.
However, Bonnie used to live in a small town. When she went to university, she had to move to the big city. She had no experience living with roommates as she lived with her parents until she moved to Toronto. Bonnie started looking for an apartment well before the semester began. Unlike her friends, she did not go to university after finishing high school. She wanted to make some money in order to travel in the Far East before going to school again. Besides, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to study.
Anyway, Bonnie started university when she was approximately 21. She preferred not to live in a dorm so she found a nice apartment not far from the university. Her roommates were not students. They both worked in a pub until early in the morning. Their schedule was very different from hers. They would finish their shifts at 2 or 3 in the morning, come home with some of their friends, and party until sunrise. They would often disturb Bonnie’s sleep and she couldn’t concentrate on her studies.
In addition, her roommates and their friends would eat everything that was in the fridge without getting permission. Bonnie would prepare lunch for herself for the next day only to find out they ate most of it when they came from the pub. She would wake up in the morning and see people who she never met before sleeping everywhere in the apartment. She frequently couldn’t even eat breakfast before going to university as they were spread all over the apartment. However, she did not want to make a noise and God forbid wake them up.
Bonnie paid quite a bit of money for rent but felt like a stranger in her own apartment. She did not want to ruin her relationship with her roommates. Thus, she tried several times to gently explain to them that she couldn’t concentrate on her studies when she wasn’t sleeping well at night. They would apologize and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Their promises usually did not last more than a few days before they started partying again.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she realized they would wear her clothes without her approval. And afterward, they would return it unclean and smelling of cigarettes which she could not stand. Eventually, Bonnie had no choice but to leave the apartment and move to the dorm………
Living with a roommate is a challenging scenario. It can sometimes feel like a short-term marriage without the intimacy. Many times you have the “pleasure” to meet your roommate’s immediate family and “if you are lucky,” you even meet his extended family. Living with a roommate can be fun and rewarding. It can also lead to lifelong friendships. But on the other hand, it can be unpleasant and frustrating.
People have different habits and ways of living. Therefore, things that seem right to you could be unacceptable to another person. If you are going to be sharing an apartment with a roommate, it would be very wise to discuss the conditions in advance. Mind you, it doesn’t mean disagreements would not arise in the future, but it reduces the possibility of them taking place.
When I was younger I shared apartments with several roommates for a few years. The majority of my roommates were male and were very nice. But most of them had the same disease…… They simply did not like to clean the shared areas and would try to avoid doing the chores. When they saw I was annoyed they would do a half assed job (not good quality work).
One of them was exceptional and we got along great, yet he didn’t do any housework. When I asked why he doesn’t do his share, his answer was “my mother never wanted me to do any cleaning” …….. and I said, “well, I’m not your mother.” I made it clear to him I would not do the work for him. And if he doesn’t want to do any cleaning, he should hire a maid. But he didn’t do any cleaning and didn’t hire a maid either. Eventually, I just left the apartment.
I have to say that I enjoyed sharing space with some of my roommates and some just drove me nuts. At some point, I decided to live by myself. Indeed it was much more expensive but worth every penny. Anyway, I remember I was once looking for an apartment that would fit my budget and was close to where I was working. I was really desperate as I was looking for a long time. It was one of those times there were no apartments available. In the end, I went to see an apartment that more or less met my requirements.
The roommates seemed nice but the apartment was too small. In addition, there was only one big wardrobe which was located in my room and I had to share it with the roommate. Obviously, I did not like it. But the guy assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue, as he would take anything he needed at a time that was convenient for me. He also promised he wouldn’t invade my privacy. Well, I didn’t have any other alternative, so I agreed to share the apartment with him.
However, my roommate liked dating flamboyant women who also tended to be possessive. Luckily for me, I met just two of his girlfriends. Still, it was two too many. Sometimes they would come to the apartment when he was absent and would try to get information from me about him. I really didn’t like that as I felt I was being interrogated. Besides, I didn’t want to be caught in the middle and I didn’t give a damn what he was doing in his personal life.
Another thing that irritated me was when he broke up with them, they continued showing up at our door looking for him. They just couldn’t let go of him. But they were a piece of cake compared to my roommate’s cousin who lived two blocks from us and was a real piece of work.
When I first met my roommate’s cousin Linda, I thought she was bombastic. My roommate described her as a person with a big mouth but with a good heart……. She would come over and bring food (she was a good cook) but never leave. She would talk loud and nonstop, yet she was an authentic person. What you see is what you get, and I kind of liked her. Linda also shared an apartment with roommates but somehow most of them did not last long.
She used to complain about them all the time (each time it was someone else). Every time she had an argument with her roommate, she would call to tell me about it. She would call in the morning to update me and would gradually raise her voice. I hated it when she did that. I am also not a morning person and I mentioned it to her more than once. Still it was like talking to the wall. She didn’t care as she needed to release some steam and no one was willing to listen to her including her own cousin.
Sometimes when I decided enough was enough and I wouldn’t answer her call, she would come to my apartment, and knock on the door until I opened it. I don’t know why, but Linda acted as though I owed her something. She behaved like an immature person who needed supervision, despite the fact that she was quite a bit older than me………
Ella was frustrated. She walked up to the boys, grabbed their cell phones from them threw them on the concrete floor, and stomped on the phones until they were in pieces. Everyone in the room was in shock from her reaction. The boys’ eyes almost popped out of their heads. It looked like if Leo, who was a big guy, wasn’t there, they would have attacked her. Betty and Diana asked her to leave and mind her own business. They told her not to show her face in their house anymore.
Ella took it very hard and didn’t stop crying for days. She felt humiliated especially after all she did for them. She was also broke but worst of all, she felt anxious for Alice and Clara who she became close to over time. She was terrified that their fates would be the same as their mother’s. Therefore Ella went with Leo to see Matilda and asked for her help.
Matilda knew several excellent foster families. Thus, Ella wanted her to convince her nieces to let her place their little girls with one of those families, to give them a chance for a better future. Matilda agreed right away to go and speak with her nieces. Betty and Diane were happy to see their aunt who was escorted by one of their cousins. But they soon changed their attitudes once they found out the reason for her visit.
Matilda and her nephew stayed at Leo and Ella’s home for a few days and regularly visited Betty and Diana. Matilda tried to persuade them to agree to her suggestion, but they were stubborn like mules. In the end, she gave up and went home. Matilda was the last card Ella could play and when her bet failed, she had no one to turn to.
Ella was desperate as she couldn’t rescue the little girls who she was sure were being abused by their family. She couldn’t stop thinking about the bruises she saw on their bodies when she took them to buy some clothes. Alice and Clara said that when they were bad girls, Mommy or their brothers would hit them with a belt. Ella remembered visiting them one day when it was pouring rain. The girls were sitting outside soaking wet. She asked them why they were outside on a day like this and they said they have to be outside when Mommy’s friends come to visit…..
Ella was preoccupied since the incident at Betty and Diana’s house took place. She was constantly moody and unpleasant to be around which led to a lot of arguments with Leo. He thought she was obsessive about Alice and Clara and asked her to let it go. But Ella felt he didn’t understand her. Ella, who used to smile most of the time, became gloomy all of the sudden. She continued volunteering at the orphanage, yet wasn’t focused as before. As well, she would previously call her parents a few times a week, but she abruptly stopped.
Debbie and Alex were worried and knew something was wrong. They would speak with Leo since Ella couldn’t be reached. At some point, Leo decided to spill the beans and tell them what was going on. In the meantime, Ella thought she should leave Leo’s house and move back to the accommodation provided by the orphanage. She and Leo weren’t getting along anymore and she didn’t see any reason to stay there.
Ella was looking for a job as she was broke and desperately needed money. She didn’t even have money for a plane ticket home and was ashamed to ask her parents. However, one day while she was packing her stuff, her parents appeared at Leo’s door. Ella almost fainted when she saw them. She was thrilled to see them. She hugged them and didn’t let go of them as she did when she was a little girl.
Debbie and Alex rented an apartment for a few months and Ella moved in with them. Apparently, they raised quite a bit of money in a short period of time for Alice and Clara’s future. They were also referred to the best family lawyer in Arusha and were prepared to fight for the removal of the little girls from their abusive family.
Ella couldn’t believe it when she heard what they were planning to do for the girls. Ella regretted not sharing the challenging time she was going through with her parents. She thought if she had involved them in the first place, she might have prevented a lot of suffering for her and the little girls. Anyway, Grace was a tough lawyer and Ella liked her right away. She was particularly devoted to the protection of women and children as she was abused when she was a young girl.
Ella sat with her for hours and gave her all the information she needed. It was a long and difficult process to secure the release of Alice and Clara from their family. Grace put up a hell of a fight. To make it easier, Debbie and Alex offered to give Betty and Diana some money which Grace vehemently opposed. She said the mothers shouldn’t be rewarded for abusing their daughters.
Nevertheless, a local court ordered the girls to be placed in a foster home that was recommended by Matilda. The agreement between the foster family and Ella’s parents was for money to be transferred every month for the welfare of the girls. Leo’s sister-in-law, who was a social worker, said she would be happy to regularly visit the girls and make sure that everything was going well.
After months of anxiety and fear for Alice and Clara, Ella finally felt a huge sense of relief. She returned to Toronto with her parents and could now move forward with her life. Ella stayed in touch with Leo even after they both got married and had families. She would visit Alice and Clara who were both adopted by their foster family every year and watched them bloom……..
Betty and Diana’s house looked almost exactly like the house Matilda was living in. You could see the poverty everywhere. When Ella and Leo entered the house with grocery bags, the sisters thought they were volunteers who occasionally came to bring them some food.
They did not expect Ella’s arrival or anybody else. Even after she introduced herself, the expression of indifference that was on their faces did not change. Ella and Leo felt embarrassed at first, and did not know what to say. Then they saw two little girls who looked about the same age in the corner of the room sitting on the floor with coloring books. They were coloring their favorite cartoon animals.
The girls were approximately 5 years old. One of them, Alice, was Betty’s daughter and the other, Clara, was Diana’s. Ella was pleased that she could communicate in Swahili after a few months in Tanzania. The little girls looked happy to have them around as opposed to their mothers. It suddenly dawned on Ella the dangerous situation the girls were in by living with their abusive uncles and their mothers’ lifestyles.
Ella was clearly quite concerned, therefore, she decided to speak with their mothers directly. Apparently, the sisters were free of their tyrannical brothers for the past four years. Three of them died, and the last one just disappeared. Betty and Diana lived with their four children. In addition to the girls, each had a teenage son who returned after several years at the orphanage. The sisters continued working as prostitutes despite the fact that their brothers were no longer in the picture.
The sisters both looked much older than their actual ages. They were missing teeth, were skinny, and their faces were lined with wrinkles. Ella felt no love for her birth mother, nor for her aunt, but felt compassion for them. Her real concern was for the welfare of Alice and Clara and she was determined to do something about it.
As Ella and Leo were leaving, Ella turned to Leo and asked him for help to find the sisters some decent work. She said she couldn’t leave Tanzania as long as she knew the little girls were in danger. Although he didn’t show it, Leo was very pleased to hear she might stay longer. Leo said he would gladly help. He told her he had a friend who grew coffee and always needed employees. But he thought they should speak with Betty and Diana first before he spoke with his friend.
In the meantime, Ella postponed her return flight and her parents were unhappy to receive the news. They even thought about flying to Tanzania and talking her out of it. But then they acknowledged the fact that they raised her to be independent and they backed down.
Betty and Diana accepted Leo’s suggestion to work as coffee pickers on his friend’s farm. They agreed quite quickly which surprised Leo and Ella. Ella continued to volunteer at the orphanage but moved in with Leo. She would go to visit Alice and Clara almost every day. She would bring food and buy clothes for the girls. She also met the teenage boys who she could communicate with in English.
When the boys heard she was from Canada, they assumed she had a lot of money. They would ask her to buy them all kinds of things and she did. Ella worked during school breaks for years. Since her parents paid for all her needs, she was able to save quite a bit of money. Because of her generosity, she was quickly running out of money.
When Leo found out about the expensive things the boys were asking for, he warned her she was being taken advantage of. He gently explained to her that they thought she was rich. However, shortly after Ella started visiting Alice and Clara, she realized she would regularly find them outside of the house without proper clothing even if it was cold and rainy.
At the same time she would see some men going in and out of the house. When she asked the little girls who the men were, the girls said “Mommy’s friends.” Ella was suspicious so she also asked Betty and Diana about the men she frequently saw coming to their house. The answer was they were relatives….. Ella didn’t buy their answer and told Leo she thinks the sisters “fell off the wagon.”
A few days later Leo’s friend who owned the farm complained that the sisters were unreliable and he was thinking about letting them go. It turned out that Betty and Diana never stopped working as prostitutes even when they worked on the farm. When Ella found out she was furious and her eyes were full of rage. Leo tried to calm her down and said the sisters didn’t know anything else. Besides, it isn’t easy to teach an old dog new tricks…..
Anyway, Ella decided to confront them and Leo didn’t like the idea. He was afraid that everything would get out of control, so he joined her. At first Ella spoke politely with the sisters. But gradually raised her voice after she noticed they were talking down to her. Ella asked Betty and Diana’s sons to help her persuade their mothers to leave prostitution for their sake. But the boys were laughing while playing with their cell phones which Ella bought and also paid their monthly bills…..
Ella was quiet most of their way back. It did not take more than one quick glance at her face to know how preoccupied she was. When she eventually broke the silence, she told Emanuel that she regretted coming to Tanzania to uncover her background, as she didn’t think she could cope with it.
Although Emanuel identified with her concerns, he just nodded his head, but said nothing. When Ella arrived at the accommodation, she was relieved her roommates weren’t there because she wasn’t in the mood for chit chat. She took a quick shower and went to bed without eating supper.
While Ella was at Matilda’s, she tried hard to hold back her tears. But when she went to bed she couldn’t hold them back anymore. After months of anticipation, she was finally so close to meeting her mother, but she lost her enthusiasm. She felt she had no energy to face the truth.
Ella was supposed to leave Tanzania a few days later and she did not know what to do. When she woke up in the morning, she felt as though she had been hit by a truck. She called her supervisor to inform her she wasn’t feeling well and would not be able to teach that day. Ella called her parents after her roommates left the room to go to work. She updated them on the latest news. She also said she wasn’t interested in meeting her birth mother anymore, and asked for their opinion.
At first Ella caught her parents off guard. They did not expect to hear this. But after they digested the news, they told her she had to make her own decision. On one hand, they wished she would come home as soon as possible and leave this journey behind her. On the other hand, they did not want her to regret her decision later on, since they knew how eager she was to locate her biological family.
After finishing the conversation with her parents, Ella was determined or at least she thought she was, not to meet her birth mother. Later on, Leo came to visit her and she updated him with the news. He was a bit offended as she previously expressed her desire that he accompany her throughout the process. In addition, he really wanted to be there for her as he had strong feelings for her, even though it didn’t seem mutual.
Leo was very disappointed with her decision to change her plans after she came so far, and could not hide it. His expression abruptly changed and he looked angry. He gave her a piece of his mind. He raised his voice and told her she was acting like a spoiled child. He continued and said she should never forget where she came from. Her past would always be a part of her life, even if it was unpleasant and she had to know how to deal with it. If that wasn’t enough, he kept insulting her and said “not everybody lives a life of luxury like you do in Canada.”
Ella was shocked by his behavior. This was the first time Leo sounded so resentful. Suddenly there was no trace of the affable man she knew. He spoke like a person who suffers from feelings of inferiority. Leo crossed a line, therefore Ella asked him to immediately leave her room.
A few hours later he calmed down and realized he made a mistake. Leo called Ella to apologize but she did not answer his call. He tried calling her numerous times until she answered. Before she had a chance to say anything he said he was sorry and that he had no right to talk to her that way. He asked for her forgiveness and asked her to let him compensate her with a dinner he would cook for her. Ella accepted his apology and also his peace offering.
Ella enjoyed the dinner and the company as well. Leo learned his lesson and did not raise the issue of her family so as not to upset her. However, she felt she needed to talk about it. She said she did some thinking since they talked and she wasn’t sure that escaping from her past was a wise decision. Leo, who did not want to influence her decision, was attentive without saying anything. At the end of the evening, he said he would support her no matter what she decided. Still, he wished she would change her mind and stay in Arusha so they could continue to be together.
The next day, 48 hours before her flight home, Ella called Leo and asked him to come with her to see her birth mother. Then she remembered she did not have her address, as she refused to take it from the private investigator the day they visited Matilda. She called Emanuel who was happy to hear she was still in town. He was even happier to learn that after all the effort he made to find Betty, the information would be put to good use………
Matilda went to visit her nieces shortly after Ella was born. Betty wasn’t even fifteen at the time and her sister Diana was two years older than her. Matilda saw two toddlers running around and then she noticed a baby lying on an old mattress that was on the floor. The baby was sobbing quietly as she had no energy to cry. Matilda lifted her up and realized she was skin and bones. Her heart went out to her.
She decided to immediately take her to the hospital otherwise she would not survive. The baby was Ella and was hospitalized for a few weeks. Then Matilda brought her to the orphanage. Matilda did not want to say that Ella was her relative since Ella wasn’t the only family member she brought there. Ella was so cute and everyone on the staff loved her, especially the Canadian couple who treated her as though she was their own. From here the road to adoption was short. It was obvious that the Canadians would not leave Tanzania without her.
Anyway, Matilda said that Betty and Diana’s brothers were very cruel. It wasn’t enough that they pimped their sisters, the brothers would also take almost all the money they earned from prostitution, and leave them with barely enough money to live on. Emanuel could see the pain in her eyes while Matilda was speaking about her sister and her nieces.
Matilda volunteered at the orphanage for many years, and at the same time she also worked as a maid in hotels. She would often go to visit Betty and Diana and bring them some food and clothes. She used to beg their brothers to leave the girls alone, but they ignored her. She reported the brothers to the authorities, but they never did anything to rescue the girls. Ella wasn’t the only one from the family who was brought to the orphanage. But she was definitely the lucky one.
Over the years Matilda took several children who were born to Betty and Diana and put them in a variety of local orphanages. She did whatever she could to help her nieces, but obviously it wasn’t enough to free them. The last time Matilda saw her nieces was approximately 5 years ago. Two of the brothers died of Aids, and another one was sick, which eased the pressure on the sisters. Matilda was talking non stop as though she had been waiting a long time to get this horrible story off her chest.
Emanuel listed intently to what she had to say without interrupting. He did not even have to ask her any questions as she gave him all the answers he needed. At the end, Matilda suggested that Ella would not go to see Betty by herself. Matilda also wished she could see her before she completely lost her sight.
Emanuel could not stop thinking about what he was just told on his way back. It was one of the most disturbing stories he had ever heard. He thought about how special Matilda was and felt great respect for her. Emanuel was sure that Ella would be more than happy to meet her.
Although Ella was told it wouldn’t be easy to locate her family, she still held out hope. But after several months of anticipation without receiving any news, she gave up and started planning to go back home to Toronto. Her family was excited to hear she was coming home, especially her parents who were concerned she might stay there permanently. When Ella spoke with her parents, she expressed her desire to complete her master’s degree. She said she wanted to move on with her life and leave her past behind.
Nevertheless, a week before Ella’s departure, she received a phone call from Emanuel. He told her that he finally found her birth mother and he asked her to stop by his office. Despite having many years of experience, Emanuel hesitated to tell Ella what he discovered when she arrived at his office.
He decided to give her some general information about her background. In addition, he offered to take her to see Matilda and hear the truth straight from the horse’s mouth…… which she was happy to accept. Matilda was delighted to see Ella. She hugged her tightly and did not let go of her for a few minutes. Ella was surprised and touched at the same time. She did not expect such a warm welcome from a person she never met before.
After the excitement settled down a bit, Matilda started to tell Ella the story of her birth mother’s life. But this time, Matilda couldn’t stop her tears. She was agitated when she spoke and could not hide her anger and frustration. Ella was overwhelmed by the details and had difficulty digesting it. Her expectations weren’t high in the first place, and she assumed she came from a poor family. Yet, the information she received made her sick to her stomach. She wished her parents were there to support her……
Emanuel’s eyes lit up when he heard what his friend had to say. He had a good feeling that this information would eventually lead to a breakthrough in Ella’s case. Before he and his friend said goodbye, Joseph told him he would be happy to help him with this case whenever he needed him.
The day after, Emanuel send one of his employees to the orphanage to check if he could find Matilda. His employee was told that Matilda has not worked there for nearly seven years. When he asked the staff if they knew where he could find her, they sent him to the baby’s section where she worked most of the time and had some friends.
Apparently, Matilda left the orphanage because she needed to take care of her sister who got sick. The sister lived in Kilimanjaro at the time and Matilda moved in with her. There was one lady in the baby’s section who had a very close friendship with Matilda. She said they were in touch for several years after she left and she even visited her a few times in Kilimanjaro.
But then Matilda severed her ties with her for no reason. The young private investigator asked if she could give him her friend’s address. He explained to her how important it was for him to locate her. The lady hesitated for a few minutes and then gave him Matilda’s address. She told him that under other circumstances she would not agree to give him her friend’s address. But because she was worried sick about her, she made an exception.
Emanuel called Joseph and asked for his help to locate Matilda in Kilimanjaro. In the meantime, Ella began to acclimatize to Arusha. She taught the children 5 days a week, and on weekends she would explore the city with her friends. Ella really enjoyed what she did and also enjoyed the atmosphere while around her new friends. On the other hand, she could not get used to the power outages and water shortages which frequently took place.
Anyway, the relationship between Ella and Leo started to warm up. Ella knew her stay in Tanzania was only for a short time. She also knew that Leo would not leave his homeland for Toronto. Yet she allowed herself to get carried away with this relationship. After a couple of months Leo suggested that she move in with him. But she declined as she wasn’t ready to take that step.
However, Joseph went to the address Emanuel provided him later that day, just to find out that Matilda was not living there anymore. Her sister died two years before and the neighbors did not know where she went.
At the same time, Emanuel tried to track down Ella’s family in Arusha but unfortunately, without any luck. He decided to go to the orphanage and speak with Matilda’s friend again. He thought maybe Matilda mentioned other members of her family. But when he was on his way to the orphanage, Joseph called and told him that he just located one of Matilda’s cousins and he was on his way to speak with him. The cousin said that after her sister died, Matilda moved to Babati, the capital of Manyara, which is located in the northern part of Tanzania, to live with one of her nieces. He also mentioned that Matilda almost lost her vision due to glaucoma.
Emanuel was happy for the breakthrough and the next day he drove to Babati. When he arrived at the nieces house, he could not help but notice that the family was very poor. Children walked around with torn clothes and no shoes. As well, there was minimal furniture in the house. However, even though no one expected him to come, he was warmly received by the members of the household.
When Emanuel told Matilda the reason for his visit, she smiled and said she remembered it as though it was yesterday. She said she also recalled the two Canadians who adopted the baby. Matilda was very happy to hear that everything was well with the young woman she became. But nothing would prepare Emanuel for what she would tell him afterwards.
Ella’s mother Betty was Matilda’s niece and she was the youngest of six children. Matilda’s sister became a widow when Betty was twelve and she could not support her family. The family suffered from extreme poverty. Thus Betty’s brother decided, contrary to their mother’s wishes, to force their two youngest sisters to work as prostitutes, instead of finding jobs.
The four brothers would mercilessly force their youngest sisters to have sex with men they would bring to their house. Matilda’s sister could not tolerate her daughters suffering and after a while she committed suicide. Betty and her sister Diana were raped on a daily basis and as a result they had several children. Some of the children died due to neglect less than a month after they were born………
With Experience Comes Wisdom 