Ella was happy when she realized she was sharing a room with two roommates who were about her age. She also was pleased to know that the girls were native English speakers. One of them was from England and the other was from the States and they had a lot in common.
Ella attended an orientation the day after she arrived at the accommodation. The orientation was a summary of their mission statement and what was expected of the volunteers. It was also to prepare them for their work with the children at the orphanage. Ella fell in love with the children the first day of volunteering. She admired them as they smiled and looked happy most of the time, despite the poverty and other obstacles they faced in their short lives.
Ella heart ached every time she remembered what she was told about their backgrounds. She couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen to them in the future. She remembered when she was very young she was afraid of the dark. She would wake up in the middle of the night because she had nightmares. She would run to her parents bedroom, lie in their bed between them, and they would hug her with love. Then her fears would vanish. A thought suddenly came to her…… Who would hug those children when they were afraid of the dark, or when they had bad dreams….. tears were running down her cheeks. She could easily have been one of them, but she was lucky……….
Anyway, Ella met many people who came to volunteer from all over the world, whom she wouldn’t have met otherwise. It was heartwarming to see how much they cared. She even saw teenagers who volunteered along with their families. Quite a few of them gave up a pampered summer vacation in one of the western countries in favour of volunteering at the orphanage.
A few days after Ella started volunteering, Leo offered to take her on a tour of Arusha which she gladly accepted. He also accompanied her when she went to see Emanuel the private investigator she was referred to by the orphanage staff.
Ella was very disappointed after they left the P.I.’s office as he told her the information she gave him wasn’t enough for him to find her family. He said it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Even though Emanuel did not say anything, he was sure that the information Ella gave him was only partly correct or not correct at all.
Emanuel assumed that the orphanage staff did not provide her with all the information they had about her abandonment. He thought perhaps they tried to protect her from facing the truth. Emanuel had more than 25 years experience as a private investigator. As well, most of the time his clients were very pleased with the results of his work. But occasionally he doesn’t have a lead to work with and this was the case here.
The P.I. saw the expression of disappointment on Ella’s face after he told her he doesn’t have enough material to start with. He felt sorry for her as she came all the way from Canada to look for her family. Although he was determined to help her, he did not want to promise her anything. He said he would do the best he could and would be in touch with her if he had anything to tell her.
Two weeks later Emanuel attended the wedding of his best friend’s son. Among the guests, he met one of his childhood friends who was also a colleague, and someone he hadn’t seen for a long time. Joseph has been Emanuel’s business partner for more than a decade. He left Arusha a few years before and moved to Kilimanjaro where his wife had family. He started a private investigation company there which became very successful over the years.
Joseph and Emanuel stayed in touch and would sometimes consult with each other about cases they were working on. While they were catching up, Joseph noticed that Emanuel was preoccupied. He asked him if something was bothering him. Emanuel told him about Ella’s case and that he didn’t know where to begin. Joseph was listening to what Emanuel had to say and at some point he looked as though he was miles away.
Suddenly he said that approximately 20 years ago, a couple of years before they became partners, he worked on a similar case which took place at the same orphanage. There was an unforgettable lady in her fifties named Matilda who volunteered at that orphanage for many years. The lady had a phenomenal memory, she knew all the children and their backgrounds as well.
Matilda helped Joseph a great deal by providing information about one of the children who was brought there as a baby. The young man looked for his parents, due to a genetic disease he had. Joseph said that basically the lady saved the young man’s life. But in the same breath he said he doubted she was still there.
After finishing the tour, Ella told Leo she was brought to the orphanage as a baby. She said she was looking for her family and would appreciate any information they could gave her to track down her parents. Leo was caught by surprise as he wasn’t expecting to hear that. But he said he would speak with his supervisor to see what information she might have.
Ella also expressed a desire to volunteer at the orphanage which made Leo very happy. He liked her right away and was pleased to have her around. Anyway, the staff at the orphanage tried to help her as much as they could. They gave her the little information they had which wasn’t much. They also referred her to a local private investigator who had a great reputation. In addition, since Leo lived in Arusha most of his life, he offered to help her whenever she needed it.
Leo told Ella that he and his brother grew up in the orphanage. He was 5 years old and his brother was 8 when they were brought to this institution. His parents both died from HIV. Unfortunately, they weren’t the only ones in the family who died from this virus, therefore his grandmother’s hands were full. She took care of some of his cousins who were very young and couldn’t raise Leo and his brother as well.
Leo’s grandmother used to come to the orphanage almost every day to visit them. She kept asking them for forgiveness for being unable to raise them. At first Leo and his brother were angry with her and thought she had given up on them. But as they grew older they understood she never had the means nor the ability to raise them. They knew she loved them and had no choice. Thus, under the circumstances, sending them to the orphanage was the right thing to do.
Anyhow, Leo said to Ella that the orphanage provided them with not just food and shelter, but love and education too. Surprisingly, Leo remembered his childhood as a happy period of time. The brothers continued their education at the University of Arusha. Leo studied economics and his brother studied tourism. While Leo was studying, he worked on the weekends with his brother leading organized tours in Arusha.
Although Leo and his brother were very busy with their studies and earning a living, they never forgot where they came from. They always found time to volunteer at the orphanage and also raised money for it. However, as Leo was an outstanding student, he was awarded a scholarship to complete his master’s degree in England. Leo received several job offers immediately after he completed his degree, which he declined.
He had the opportunity to stay in England but he wanted to go back home as soon as possible to be there for his grandmother who was very ill. He also missed his brother whose wife had just given birth to a baby boy. Besides, he wanted to contribute as much as he could to his country that needed young educated young.
After Leo returned to Tanzania, he started working with his brother who established a tour operator company in Arusha. He was taking care of the financial part of the business. Over the years Leo and his brother became partners in the tour company and employed a considerable number of workers.
Nevertheless, Ella decided that she would teach English at the orphanage. The staff told her they would appreciate any help she could give. They said they could provide her with accommodation for her volunteer period. Accommodation is shared among volunteers of the same gender who are also provided three meals a day.
When Ella went to see the place, she admired how clean and neat it was. She accepted their offer right away. On her way to the hotel, she suddenly realized how much she missed her family as though she hadn’t seen them for a long time. She couldn’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if she had not been adopted.
When she arrived at the hotel, she called her parents and told them about her journey. She told them how everyone at the orphanage tried to help her. She spoke about Leo and how impressive he was. She said he was willing to help her find her biological parents. When she mentioned Leo, her parents noticed she had a twinkle in her eye.
Debbie and Alex had mixed emotions after they finished their conversation with Ella. On the one hand, they were happy for their daughter as she found a nice group of people who offered to help her, which meant she wouldn’t be alone. On the other hand, they were concerned she would stay there for good as it looked like she enjoyed Leo’s company……. The next day Ella moved to the housing provided for her ready to start her new journey……..
Debbie and Alex’s children grew up in a stable and nurturing environment. They received plenty of love and cognitive support from their parents. Their parents also encouraged them to be independent and think for themselves.
However, despite all the affection and love she got, Ella felt a bit insecure since she learned she was adopted. At first her parents did not notice she had a problem, but later on they realized she demanded more attention than her siblings.
She tried to please everybody around her and some took advantage of that. She used to regularly lie which made her parents very angry. On the other hand, she would make a huge effort to excel in everything she did as though she was in a competition. Ella was afraid of disappointing her parents even though they told her they loved her and always will no matter what.
Anyway, when she was approximately 12 years old, her parents took her to see a psychologist who diagnosed Ella with Adopted Child Syndrome. Debbie and Alex were surprised by his diagnosis. First of all, because they had never heard of this syndrome before. Secondly, they adopted Ella when she was a baby and doubted it’s effect on her. Still, the psychologist insisted this is what she had although the syndrome is not recognized in the professional community.
As Ella grew up it bothered her that her physical appearance was different from the others in her family. She would ask a lot of questions about her original family in Tanzania, and when she didn’t get the answers she was looking for, she thought she was being lied to. When Ella was a teenager she suffered from low self esteem even though she was a good student and popular at school. She also experienced an identity crisis.
Ella had many unresolved questions about her background. As well, she wanted to know why she was put up for adoption. She was eager to track down her past and her family. Therefore it was crystal clear to her that after she finished her bachelor’s degree, she would go to Tanzania to look for answers.
Ella did not want to tell her family about her plans to look for her birth parents, as she was afraid they would discourage her from going to Tanzania. Besides, she thought it might upset them after all they had done for her. She waited until a few days before her departure, and then she dropped the bomb.
Her parents were surprised and hurt as she kept it a secret. Yet they completely understood her motives and even encouraged her to go for it. Her mother went so far as to suggest to join her for support. But Ella declined her offer and said this was something she had to do by herself.
It was night time when Ella arrived in Dodoma the capital of Tanzania, thus she had to stayed there overnight. When she arrived at the hotel, she felt some remorse for not accepting Debbie’s offer to join her. She needed to share her concerns and feelings with people who truly loved her. So she tried to call her parents but she couldn’t get ahold of them.
The next day she took a flight to Kilimanjaro airport, which took several hours. She was very excited the whole way there as she was close to reaching her goal. When she arrived at Kilimanjaro, she realized she couldn’t go to the orphanage where she was brought as a baby 22 years before that same day. The reason was due to the fact that she didn’t arrange for transportation ahead of time.
Nevertheless, Ella could barely wait for morning to go to the orphanage. She tried to get some rest but didn’t have any luck. Although she didn’t sleep all night, she was full of energy the next morning. She quickly ate breakfast and took a taxi to the orphanage. Ella admired the amazing scenery along the way while thinking about her family back in Toronto. She remembered her parents told her to lower her expectations so she would not be disappointed. They also told her that they weren’t sure how much information the orphanage has about her family and they were right.
Ella didn’t mention the reason for her visit when she arrived at the orphanage. The staff assumed she wanted to volunteer and a member of the staff called Leo gave her a tour. He explained to her that most of the children are either orphans or were abandoned by their families who had no ability to raise them. He said that some of the children came from very harsh backgrounds and were abused by their parents or a member of their family.
Ella couldn’t hold back her tears upon hearing what Leo told her. She could not remain indifferent to the plight of the children. Even though she did not plan to volunteer at the orphanage, she decided on the spot that it was the right thing to do. Ella thought she can do it, while also looking for her family……
Ella knew she was adopted since she was five years old. Her parents Debbie and Alex tried to have children for years and never considered the possibility of adoption. After several years of fertility treatments, they were exhausted and needed to recharge their batteries. They decided to take a break and travel around the world. After travelling for six months, they arrived in Tanzania at the end of their trip. While touring the country, they met an American couple who were volunteering in a local orphanage.
The couple spoke enthusiastically about the satisfaction they got from volunteering at the orphanage. They said the institution always needed help with the kids and suggested they try it for a while. At first Debbie and Alex did not think it was such a good idea as they weren’t very spontaneous. Everything they did in their lives was carefully planned, their trip included. They planned the trip months ahead of time. Thus, according to their schedule, they had to return home and go back to work within a few days.
But then they went to visit the orphanage and changed their minds. They decided to postpone their return home for two weeks and volunteer there. A few days before they were due to leave, a baby girl approximately two months old who looked like she was just born, arrived at the orphanage. This was unusual as they didn’t have a baby section at the time. Most of the children in the institution were aged three and up.
However, they were told that the baby was brought to the orphanage by a member of her family who said that her parents cannot take care of her. The baby had big beautiful eyes and was very skinny. Debbie and Alex fell in love with her from the moment they saw her. They knew that they had to return to Toronto very soon. Yet they couldn’t get the thought of leaving the baby behind out of their minds. So they decided to postpone their return flight home once again and this time they left this option open without a specific date.
Alex and Debbie took care of the baby as if she was their own child. After much deliberation they came to the conclusion that they would very much like to adopt her. They hired a local lawyer to handle the adoption process. The procedure was lengthy and difficult. They had to pay a lot of money along the way in order to facilitate the coveted adoption. Debbie and Alex stayed in Tanzania roughly six months, much longer than they planned. But in the end they left the country with an adorable baby.
They did not tell anyone when they arrived in Toronto. They were exhausted by the entire procedure and wanted some time alone with their baby. Debbie and Alex concluded to change the baby’s name. They looked for a biblical name but they didn’t find one that appealed to them. Then they found the name Ella and read that the Hebrew definition of this name is “goddess.” They immediately loved it even though they didn’t understand or speak Hebrew.
However, about a week later they told their family and friends that they returned. Their family and friends threw a big party for the three of them. There was a great deal of excitement as everybody knew what they went through to become parents. They also knew how hard it was for them after each failed fertility treatment.
A few months later against all odds Debbie found out she was pregnant. She and Alex couldn’t believe they would have another child in such a short period of time. They were thankful that Ella wouldn’t stay an only child. Adam was born when Ella was fourteen months old. Debbie and Alex decided to baptize him even though they weren’t very religious.
Benjamin was born a year after Adam and their last child Sarah was born approximately two years after Benjamin. They had four children in a little over four years. Needless to say it completely changed their lives. Since all the kids were young, Debbie resigned from the law firm where she worked. She hired a nanny and worked from home as a solo practitioner in order to be more available for her children.
Despite the fact they had three children of their own, Ella was always special for them. When she was about four years old, she asked her parents why she looked different than everyone else in the family. Later on, her friends at school would tease her and said that her parents are not her real parents. Debbie and Alex were afraid to upset and confuse Ella so they consulted with a child psychologist. He advised them to tell her the truth about her background and not wait any longer. He also gave them very useful tips on how to do it.
Debbie and Alex told Ella that her parents loved her but couldn’t raise her as they did not have the means and ability to do so. Ella was too young, therefore her parents gave her the details she could process at her current stage of development, as recommended by the psychologist……..
The area that we lived was very beautiful and pastoral. The scenery was amazing. Every where you looked there were trees, flowers and the grass was green. It felt like you are living in a small village and not in the middle of a big city like Toronto. When Laia and I talked, we both agreed that this was the main reason we moved there. However in winter no trace of this beauty remains. Mind you, when the snow starts to fall, the view looks lovely. But after a few days of snowing, the snow on the pavement looks dirty.
The snow piles up on the roads and sidewalks which makes walking outside difficult. In addition, it is definitely challenging to drive especially for people who are not used to this kind of weather. The snow in Toronto is cleaned on the main streets first and the residential streets later. This process takes several days and occasionally after a large snowfall, I couldn’t even recognize the street I was living on :-)……Furthermore, there are quite a few power outages in winter particularly in the area where we lived.
Nevertheless, the noise started soon after Laia and her family moved to the basement apartment. The sound of running feet overhead and all the other noise drove Laia’s family crazy. Despite the fact that their landlords had a large and beautiful backyard, they almost never let their children play there. Diego would frequently go upstairs to complain about the noise the kids made. He would regularly ask for quiet particularly on weekends. He would see the weary nanny with the children and it was obvious she could not control them.
Laia and Diego often called their families using the internet but the internet connection was unstable. Since the modem was on the main floor, they would call their landlord and ask him to reset the modem. The landlord would invariably ignore their request and they would stay without internet for hours. The glitch with the internet occurred too many times. Several technicians came to the apartment and all of them said there was a problem on the main floor. At some point, my friends were fed up with the landlord’s attitude and decided to install their own internet even though it was included in their rent.
Laia’s landlord tuned out to be a spoiled brat. He didn’t give a damn about anyone except himself. He would walk around upstairs with his boots on, sometimes early in the morning, or late at night, and made a lot of noise because the wooden floor creaks. Although Diego spoke with him a number of times and told him that he wakes up the whole family, he disregarded him. Frankly, I think that his wife wasn’t any better than him. She would put her head in the sand as if they didn’t exist.
Another problem that Laia and her family had to face was the electrical box which was in their landlord’s part of the basement. Whenever there was a short circuit, they had to ask the “spoiled brat” to flip the switch in the circuit box. When the landlords went out of town, Laia and Diego were afraid to have no electricity as the landlord refused to give them access to their part of the basement.
However, people in Toronto put their food waste bin in their garage, otherwise when the racoons search for food they open the bins and make a mess. One day, a short time after Laia and her family moved in, she went to throw out the garbage. Surprise, surprise…… here it was, the TV that was in their apartment but disappeared the day they moved in, was sitting in the garage collecting dust. She couldn’t believe her eyes. The selfish landlord took it out of the apartment even though he knew they didn’t have one……… 😦 By the way, the TV was old and even then most people used a more modern model.
Nevertheless, the first time Laia and her family experienced a power failure was one windy Friday. Laia was preparing the food for the weekend and thought the power would come back shortly. The problem is that most people in Canada have electric stoves. This means if there is a power outage you can’t use the stove. By the way, Laia’s landlords mentioned they had a gas stove and that it is very helpful when there is no electricity.
Anyway, after several hours Laia, who was by herself, decided to check what was going on with their landlords. She went to the main house which was full of people, but the owners weren’t there. Their relative who opened the door said he would let them know she was looking for them. Unfortunately the power wasn’t restored until late at night. Needless to say, nobody came downstairs to ask if they needed anything.
The truth is, they never asked how they were doing at all or God forbid if they needed anything. When the landlords would take their kids to school on snowy days, and they saw Laia or one of her family heading to the bus stop, they never offered them a ride. Otherwise it would humanize them………
Regardless, a few months after my friends moved in, their landlords welcomed a baby. That was another challenge for Laia and her family. It was quiet for a couple of months. Then the baby started crying every night and her parents were not in a hurry to comfort her. The precious baby wouldn’t stop crying until one of her parents would go to her. In the meantime, she would wake up the tenants which became part of their nighttime routine. And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Laia and her family decided to look for another apartment. Diego was earning a little bit more money and they moved to an apartment building. Laia and Diego’s landlords treated them as though they were second class citizens, just because they were immigrants and didn’t have much money. Believe me, they are the kind of people you hope to never bump into in your life……
When you move to a new country and do not have a source of income for a while, living in a basement apartment can be a good choice. It costs much less than renting an apartment in a building. Generally, utilities are included and often internet and cable TV as well. It adds up to a big saving, but there are tradeoffs. The landlords can be inconsiderate jerks and make your life miserable.
Another disturbing issue is the fact that anyone who has a basement can rent it as an apartment even if it is uninhabitable. Unfortunately, there is no oversight of the issue, at least not in Toronto. When we moved to Canada, we lived in a basement apartment for short period of time. We had the “pleasure” of seeing a lot of apartments before we picked one. You wouldn’t believe what people are offering for rent.
I remember the first apartment we went to see. We spoke with the landlady before we went and she sounded pleasant enough. Also the price she asked for was reasonable. But when we arrived there she said “oh, I thought it is for one person.”
Apparently, it was an old and large basement apartment with a few small bedrooms, one kitchen and one bathroom. There was no stove, no washing machine or dryer. The greedy landlady wanted to rent the apartment to a number of different people. If she had mentioned it in our phone conversation, we wouldn’t have bothered showing up, but this was too much to ask for.
Another apartment we saw looked like it used to be a nightclub. The place needed to be renovated but the landlord wanted to rent it out as is. In addition, it wasn’t furnished and we didn’t have any furniture as we were waiting for it to arrive from overseas. When we left the place we didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Anyway, we needed a place to live immediately as we were staying in a hotel, and every place we saw was worse than the next.
In the end we saw something we could live with. It was far from perfect and we had to compromise but it was better than what we had seen so far. However, at that time I had a neighbour Laia who I was friendly with. Laia and her family came to Canada from Cuba. She told me that when they left their country they had to give up their apartment, which they owned, and their citizenship as well. Still they were very happy to leave everything behind and move to a free country, because freedom has no price…..
I recall Laia and I would grumble a lot about our landlords. My landlords weren’t angels but hers were even worse. Laia and her family looked for an apartment for a long time, as their budget was limited. They were relieved when they found a suitable apartment in a great area. In addition, cable TV and internet were included. Before they rented this apartment they stayed at Laia’s cousins who did not have a big place and they felt uncomfortable.
Nevertheless, Laia’s landlords were a young couple with two little boys at that time. Consequently, they took into consideration that there would be some noise coming from their part of the house. It was quiet upstairs when they came to see the apartment, and the landlord (they dealt with the husband) made a positive impression on them.
The apartment had some furniture which they appreciated as they did not have any and had to buy some. There was an old TV in one of the rooms, and they were happy for that. But the landlord immediately made it clear that the TV was there only because his brother in law was staying with them for a while. He said they wouldn’t be able to use it. They were a bit disappointed but they assumed he needed it for his own use.
A few days later they signed the lease and it was quiet once again upstairs. After they finished signing, the landlord said that the old chairs they were sitting on belonged in his garage and they couldn’t use them either……. 😦 The next day Laia and her husband Diego came to clean the apartment before the whole family moved in. It was Friday and there was a lot of noise coming from upstairs. Children were running all over and it sounded as though they were running on their heads.
Laia drew her husband’s attention to the intolerable noise. Diego, who was an optimist by nature, dismissed her worries. He said that they were probably hosting some family or friends and the ruckus is only temporary. But Laia didn’t think so…….
Anyhow, while they were cleaning the apartment they became aware of things they hadn’t noticed before. Some of the kitchen cabinets were broken. The mattresses smelled damp and they were lying on a very old and unstable metal frame. The carpets in the rooms stunk as well and you couldn’t open the windows there. Apparently, all the furniture in the apartment was very old and worn out.
Laia and Diego didn’t understand how they previously missed that. Maybe the reason was due to the fact they were very anxious to find a place of their own. However, they felt mislead……
The concerns and anxieties about the Coronavirus and it’s effects on our financial situation can be overwhelming to anyone. Also, information overload and rumors can make your life feel out of control. I remember when all this began, most of the people were indifferent as they did not realize how contagious it was.
The biggest fear was when we started to recognize that there is a worldwide threat and we don’t have any tools to confront it. In addition, you go to the grocery stores and notice there are shortages of basic products for long periods of time. This added to the panic that was already present at this stage.
We were constantly intimidated for months by so called experts, about almost everything we came in contact with. They said the virus remains on cardboard and metal for several days. They recommended disinfecting the packaged products bought from grocery stores, door handles (my door handled never got so much attention……), to wash fruits and vegetables with soap and water, etc. Then they stopped mentioning it at all. I wonder why? For almost a year now we have been overwhelmed with information about Covid19, some of which was true and some was disinformation. This created widespread fear and confusion.
However, everyone reacts differently in times of crisis. I also reacted differently from people I know or should I say in a slightly strange way. Since the epidemic started I had to stop all the activities I was participating in. I felt isolated, probably like many other people around the world. Thank God, so far I didn’t struggle with depression although I occasionally feel blue for a few minutes and then it goes away. In my opinion, it is not because I am immune, but because I maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise, meditation, and proper nutrition on a daily basis.
Despite all the efforts I make, it is still not a substitute for interacting with people, and there are some days that I feel stress about the situation. It is expressed in all sorts of ways which you wouldn’t believe. In the beginning of 2020 shortly after everything started to close, I felt severe pain in my upper back. Although pills are always a last resort for me, I had to take quite a few for a few weeks to relieve the pain.
A couple of weeks later when I saw that the pain didn’t go away, I made an appointment with a physiotherapist. I had to wait a few weeks to see somebody. By the time I had my appointment, surprisingly, I felt some relief, even before anybody touched my back. Then the pain slowly just disappeared. Not too long after, I started to feel as though something was stuck at the back of my throat. That was really uncomfortable. I didn’t see anything when I looked in my throat, so I decided to check what it could be on the internet. Among many possibilities, I read it could be due to stress.
I spoke with my doctor two months later when it didn’t go away. She agreed it could be stress and said if it doesn’t subside she would refer me to a Gastroenterologist. The truth is I didn’t want to see one because I heard it is an unpleasant procedure. She also recommended that I go for a walk outdoors every day. But I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t make any difference. I have a treadmill at home and I already walk or jog every day. Besides, I think it is a much more effective form of exercise.
But clearly that’s not what she meant. She wanted me to walk outside among other people. Anyway, I looked on the internet for another solution and I found a video of progressive muscle relaxation exercises. I started to practice them twice a day and it worked. My problem vanished. Shortly after that, I started having stomach problems. Every time I ate something, I felt nauseous. It was like I couldn’t digest almost anything. At some point, I knew that all these symptoms were emotional as they come and go. Then I decided to change my meditation method.
Before I used to breathe quickly while counting my breaths. I have been doing it differently for some time now. I inhale slowly, hold my breath for a few seconds, and exhale slowly. I do that every day, for 1 hour divided into two sessions while listening to relaxing music. My stomach problem disappeared and then I started to suffer from migraines on a daily basis.
I told my husband that I feel like a bag with holes. Every time I successfully close one hole, another one opens up…. However, migraines are part of my life over ten years, but this was something much intense. I finally decided to take my doctor’s advice and walk outside every day in addition to my regular workouts. I immediately felt relief. I didn’t realize how important it was to be outdoors every single day.
Although the weather in Toronto is extreme, I try my best to follow this routine. The symptoms I experienced have largely evaporated. I have to mention that the area I walk in is an easy place to maintain a distance from others and to be among people. It is a pretty good solution under the circumstances.
By the way, experts claim that those who do not experience any fear, anxiety or stress these days are simply disconnected from reality. This referred to as being in denial………….
During the past year I have heard more and more stories about people who suffer from depression due to Covid 19. The corona plague is a global phenomenon we have never experienced before. The crisis is affecting us both physically and psychologically. Unfortunately, studies and surveys show that hundreds of millions around the world frequently experience extreme stress and anxiety since the outbreak of the plague.
Over the course of this year, numerous doctors who have been interviewed on TV warned us of the hazards of the coronavirus. As well, there are plenty of articles that you can find about how contagious the virus is, which in my opinion, causes unnecessary panic. On the other hand, you hear far less regarding what it does to our mental health. It literally affects all segments of the population, and not only people with pre existing mental health conditions.
Nevertheless, a month ago I went to a bulk food store (one of my sources of entertainment these days….) and I bumped into a lady I had not seen for a long time. She was never my friend, but we were friendly. From what I remember, this woman was always well groomed. You would never catch her without make up on, or without her nails or hair done, even when she only went to throw out the garbage….. 🙂
She always looked happy and full of life to me. However, She looked neglected the day I saw her. Her hair was almost entirely white, even though she is only in her mid forties. She wasn’t wearing any make up at all and the clothes she was wearing were much too big on her. It was obvious she had lost quite a bit of weight. I didn’t recognize her at first, but when she called my name and came closer I knew who she was. Yet I did not remember her name and did not dare ask as I was embarrassed.
Anyway, we exchanged greetings and when we left the store she escorted me to my car. I asked her how she was doing during this crazy period and immediately regretted it. The woman was waiting for an opportunity to release some steam and started talking non stop without catching her breath. She told me she wasn’t working for approximately 10 months now.
She worked as a massage therapist and was laid off due to Covid 19. Money wasn’t an issue for her but the fact she couldn’t interact with people was killing her. I wanted to say to her welcome to the club, but I kept quiet, and she kept talking. She said she lost her love of life and doesn’t like doing anything anymore.
She and her husband get on each other’s nerves and have been fighting over every little thing. She felt that the stability in her life had been undermined. She has been taking antidepressants for a while which help her cope with her situation. But apparently, it’s not enough to get over the feeling that her life has been indefinitely put on hold.
In addition, her 10 year old son suffers from anxiety and refuses to leave his room to go to school. I truly felt sorry for her and especially for her son. Still I have to say that I was a little bit uncomfortable listening to what she said as we weren’t close friends. Besides, I thought her openness was too revealing.
However, even though I was in a hurry I did not stop her and let her talk as long as she needed. The truth is I have been going through a rough time as well, but not as bad as her. Still I did not want to mention it and she didn’t ask either. Anyhow, before we said goodbye, I gave her some tips which were helpful to me and hoped would help her too.
Since the outbreak of the epidemic, we worried much more than before about ourselves but also about our loved ones as well. Children who have elderly parents that they cannot visit, particularly when they are sick, led to distress and anxiety for both sides.
Likewise, you hear about young children who experience social isolation because schools are closed (depending on where you live) and they cannot interact with their friends. As a result, they suffer from depression and many times their parents are unable to cope with it as they have no tools to do so. These circumstances trigger frustration among parents who feel they let their children down.
I have a friend with a 12 year old daughter. The girl wasn’t at school for quite a long time. My friend recently noticed that she would start crying without any reason at all. When she consulted with a specialist, he told her that her daughter is depressed. He said she lacks structure and routine in her day, in addition she needs to be more active.
My friend took the diagnosis very hard. She tried to encourage her daughter to speak with her friends on Zoom more often. She would convince her to go waking with her on the beach. She would ask for her help with the grocery shopping just to get her out of the house, but the girl kept declining her suggestion.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I spoke with my friend and she told me that her daughter’s situation has significantly improved since she went back to school……..
Joe understood that his beloved aunt was very much involved in the decision which was really hurtful. She knew they have no place to go and in a week they would be out on the street, but she couldn’t care less. Anyway, Joe and Kevin couldn’t believe what they heard, it was as though someone slapped them in the face. They left the table and headed to the front door. Sheila followed them with her crocodile tears……asking them to at least finish their meal……
Joe and Kevin kept silent all the way home. Joe couldn’t look his brother in the eye, as he felt that he let him down. When they arrived home Joe locked himself in his room for the entire evening. He did not have a Plan B since he was sure they would move into their Aunt’s house. Joe was awake all night because he couldn’t stop thinking about what just happened.
He thought about his mother and what she would have said about her sister’s behavior. She would probably be furious with her. Joe’s mother loved her younger sister. She always supported and encouraged her. Sheila would come to her for advice whenever she needed it. They were not only sisters, but also best friends.
In the morning, Joe called one of his friends from university as he needed to get it off his chest. He was surprised when Scott told him that he and Kevin could stay at his place for a couple of weeks, as Scott’s roommate was overseas for the entire holiday period. Joe appreciated his friend’s kind gesture and accepted his offer. Joe and Kevin moved in with Scott and stayed there for approximately one month. Then they rented a cheap basement apartment.
But soon after they moved in they realized that it needed some major repairs which the landlord refused to make. Joe and Kevin couldn’t continue to live in the apartment as it was and therefore had to leave. They moved 4 times in 6 months. Kevin couldn’t concentrate on his studies and decided to drop out, which was very hard on Joe.
Kevin had a hard time coping with the instability in his life, thus he moved back to Edmonton. After a while the grocery store Joe worked in decided to offer him a full time position. He wasn’t happy there and his salary wasn’t high but at least it paid the bills. Joe rented another basement apartment since he couldn’t afford anything else.
Anyhow, Sheila tried to be in touch with Joe and Kevin since the day they left her house, but they ignored her. So she started to cry to anyone in the family who would listen to her. She even managed to convince some of them that she was deeply sorry for what happened. She said she missed her nephews very much. If only she could renew her relationship with them, she would tell them how much she cares and loves them……..
It worked like magic. Joe’s family started to put pressure on him as Kevin didn’t give a damn what they had to say. The family claimed they wanted to make “peace” between Joe and Sheila. They blatantly interfered in his life. They would call him and say he should forgive her as families should be united. In her manipulative way, Sheila successfully turned herself into a victim. Consequently, Joe had arguments with quite a few members of his family.
In the meantime, Kevin, who was only 19, got married to a woman who was several years older than him. He didn’t say anything to his brother and when Joe found out, he was incensed. Kevin said he wanted to have his own family to feel as though he belonged somewhere. This was his way of dealing with the loss of his parents at a very young age. He never went back to university and he worked as a taxi driver. A year later he and his wife welcomed their first child. Their second child was born and year and a half later.
Kevin was not ready for marriage, and certainly not mature enough to be a father. As a result, his marriage didn’t last for too long. After approximately four years together, he and his wife decided to break up. Unfortunately, over the years Joe and Kevin drifted apart. Joe did not know what was going on with his brother as they weren’t in touch for a long time. Joe found out about his brother’s divorce when he accidentally bumped into his cousin one day.
Joe wasn’t surprised as Kevin was a rebel who did not like to listen to anyone’s advice. Everything has to be his way or the highway…….. Joe felt sorry for his nephews as they had to pay the price for their irresponsible parents. However, a few years later Joe moved to the States. Some of his father’s siblings lived there, and they thought this could be a fresh start for him.
Joe found a job with an import export company that had an office in Vancouver. In addition, he met his future wife, a nice woman from Canada. Joe and his family went back to Canada after he was promoted to manage the Vancouver office. Although Joe never forgot what Sheila did to him, he slowly consented to be in touch with her from time to time. But he and his family never set foot in her house again…….
Joe did not want to worry his brother so for a while he kept his dismissal a secret. At the same time he was frantically looking for work. After approximately a month he found a part time job at one of the grocery stores. He worked only a couple of hours a week at minimum wage. Although he still gave private math lessons, the number of students were much less than before.
Despite working two jobs he couldn’t cover his living expenses. Joe decided to confess to his brother about his dismissal. Kevin worked part time as a waiter and hadn’t been contributing to the household expenses so far. The reason was because Joe earned enough money and did not want to take anything from his younger brother. Besides, Kevin did not make so much money.
Nevertheless, Kevin was surprised to hear his brother lost his job. At first he didn’t know what to say. Then he suggested that Joe ask their Aunt for help. Sheila and her husband had a real estate business and they knew a lot of people who could help him find a job. In addition, they did very well for themselves. Joe didn’t want to ask for their help as he did not get along with Sheila’s husband. Her husband Arthur used to criticize everything Joe did or did not do.
He was also critical of the choices he made especially leaving Edmonton and his mother behind, even though she was the one who encouraged him to do so. Despite the close relationship he had with Sheila, Joe did not tell her he had been fired. He was unwilling to face Arthur and give him the satisfaction of saying I told you so.
Sheila’s husband thought that Joe should not have given up his studies for the job at the import export company. He told him he would have more opportunities in the future if he continued his education and completed his master’s degree. Arthur was probably right. But Joe needed the money so that he could bring his brother to live with him as he promised his mother. As well, he couldn’t tolerate the thought of leaving his only brother behind.
Anyway, if Arthur were more open minded and less self absorbed, he would understand that Joe had no choice. In my opinion, he should have been a mentch and tried to help him instead of judging him. But that was too much to ask for……..
Roughly two months after he lost his job, Joe had to sell his car as he couldn’t afford the monthly payment. In addition, he didn’t have the money to pay the next month’s rent. Therefore, he decided to swallow his pride and ask his Aunt for help. Sheila and Arthur had a big house with a few empty rooms and Joe knew that privacy wouldn’t be an issue. For this reason he and Kevin could stay with them for a while until he found a better paying job.
When he went to see Sheila she was surprised to hear he lost his job. Joe asked her to speak with Arthur about him and Kevin staying at their place for a short time. In return, he offered they would shovel the snow and do the yard work. Joe even offered to pay them rent. Sheila said there was no problem, she would speak with her husband and get back to him.
In the meantime, Joe and Kevin started packing their belongings. Joe sold his car and bought an economical used car. Likewise, he was looking for a better job the entire time. However, it was the holiday season and a week before the brothers had to vacate their apartment. Sheila had not gotten back to Joe with an answer and he assumed they would give him the go ahead on Christmas Eve.
Joe and Kevin went to their Aunt’s house on Christmas Eve. But before they went there they passed by a flower shop and bought her a huge bouquet of flowers she loved. She didn’t look happy when they gave it to her which was weird……. After they sat for a while with the family, Joe felt the tension in the air. He looked at Kevin who was more quiet than usual and knew his brother felt the same.
He thought maybe Sheila and Arthur had an argument before they arrived. But he wasn’t ready for the news he would receive afterwards……….. Sheila announced that the food was ready to be served which interrupted Joe’s thoughts. Then when they sat down to eat Arthur dropped the bomb. He turned to Joe, looked him in the eye with a cold expression on he face and told him they could not stay with them….. He said he and Sheila gave it a lot of thought and came to the conclusion that it would not work. Arthur didn’t explain why it wouldn’t work and Joe didn’t ask as it didn’t matter…………
With Experience Comes Wisdom 